About Me

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My husband and I, the Dynamic Duo, have been married since 2003. We've weathered the storm of chronic disease (diagnosis 2006), infertility (diagnosis 2007), turning 30 (2006/2007 respectively) a first adoption (2009) of a tender hearted, compassionate Ukrainian BIG boy (born 2006), who has told us he'd like a baby sister, baby brother, big brother, and REALLY big sister. We recently completed our second Ukrainian adoption journey, which brought us a daughter (born 2005). We'll see what else God brings our way!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I should be sleeping....

Do you ever have one of those moments when you have all sorts of thoughts running through your head and you feel like you're going to explode unless you get them out? That's kind of how I feel right now. Where to start...

I guess we'll start with today. A rough day from the beginning. Eli got up fine, had a little breakfast and we headed out the door to get a sandblaster with Papa. That's when the fun times began. He kind of flipped out because Papa went to the car. I think he thought Papa was taking him to the store without me because he started crying and came to me and let me hold him for a few minutes. I finally put him down to get my things together and showed him we're all going together. Then when we got back, Eli and I went for a long walk (almost an hour) where he threw a fit because I told him to stop turning the music on and off (he figured out how to flip the on/off switch to the play sounds on the stroller. Not really sure I should be making a big deal out of that, but it was really annoying to me to hear two seconds of a song play over and over and over again.) So he threw a fit, which I ignored. Then when we got home he hardly ate any lunch and I put him down for a nap.

The afternoon was much the same, sans me being gone for two hours. I was whipped! Maybe I'm saying no too much, maybe he's not feeling well, maybe he's sick, and maybe it's a combination of all of the above plus some I'm missing. I know he loves me because he wouldn't stop hugging and kissing me when I got home (even between tantrums). He'd play for a few minutes, then come and sit on my lap for a nanosecond. Then play, lap, play, lap. I found myself not being able to handle his being frustrated without getting frustrated, so I tried to calm myself by praying and reminding myself that he's only 3, and that's just his physical age not his mental age.

He's starting to play with his food while eating it. I would be fine with this except he tries to feed his food to me or Dave repeating over and over again "Momma, Papa." Like, "Here, this is for you...SIKE!" Most of the time the food ends up on the floor, which he immediately wants me to pick up and throw out so he can start preparing the next bite to torment us with. It gets old pretty fast, so I've got to figure out what I'm going to do. Although, when Dave and I pray before a meal, he very quietly folds his hands together and bows like we do while looking at us to make sure he doesn't miss the part where we start eating. It's adorable!

I don't feel like I'm as silly with him as I was in the beginning (as if it's even been that long!). But I've put some things in to place to help me with that. I'm going to take an hour each week to socialize without Eli. I'm an extrovert, so I really need that time with other people, and it's too hard to get that fix while he's around. I'm constantly watching him and correcting him and entertaining him. But Dave has very sweetly agreed that I need this time and is being very supportive. What a guy!

I'm having a lot of parental doubts right now. Am I pushing too fast? Do I expect too much from a 3 year old? Is he attaching? Is it too soon for a babysitter? Should we get in to some activities in the fall? Who does he think I am? What rules should I set in to place? What expectations should I have? Am I leaving him with Dave too soon? Why does he do so great one day and the next melt down? Is it something I did or didn't do, or is this normal behavior? Am I normal for having all these thougths?

The other thing I've been thinking about, and this may surprise you from the beginning of the post, is a sibling for Eli. I wonder sometimes if that will even happen, and if it does when? How? Crazy, huh? I'm not even settled in with one, and I'm thinking of the other children I'd like to have some day. Are we ever content with what God has given us? I need to chill because God has all this in His control and in His timing. What the heck is my problem? Fatigue, check. Stress, check. God time, no check. Ah, there it is. I need my God time! I've decided Eli's nap time is NOT going to be my cleaning time or my relaxing time or my eating the chocolate I so desperatly need to get through the day. It's going to be the time I get my God nutrition. My Holy fix. My Spirit food. My mind spritzer. You get the drift.


Rhode Family said...

I know how it feels to think that every second should be perfect. You have waited a long time for him so every second with him should be joyuos and exciting. However, that is not how life is. Kids are kids and we often worry that we are doing something wrong (and we will we are human) but the love and time you give him is just what he needs. I know I continue to find the book "So you want to raise a boy" very helpful. It is very old but goes year by year and lets you know what is typical behavior for that age. It is so right on. I would suggest it just for your own state of mind.
Good Luck!

Amy Weaver said...

Sounds like you're a mom!! It's soooooo normal to ask all those questions. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but basically every mom does that. Raising children, especially these days, is a huge burden - but also a huge blessing. You're clearly doing an amazing job with him, don't be too hard on yourself. But, yes, definitely get some "me time" with the girlfriends (especially if it's with us!!) & most importantly with God. Love ya! Amy :-)

Chris and Celeste said...

Hi, i loved reading your month home update. That is awesome that he is sleeping by himself in his own bed, I think that shows he feels secure. The feelings you are having are normal even for mom's of biological children. I think you should get out andhave some me time but instead of a babysitter have Dave babysit (evening or weekend)for a couple more months. I think our social worker said 1 month of attatchment per year, so if he is 3 you should keep his world small for 3 months. But hey you are in the throws of adoption life and i am just reading books about it. And you are right of course, spending time with God is most important to put things into perspective and rejuvenate you. Blessings