Do you ever have one of those moments when you have all sorts of thoughts running through your head and you feel like you're going to explode unless you get them out? That's kind of how I feel right now. Where to start...
I guess we'll start with today. A rough day from the beginning. Eli got up fine, had a little breakfast and we headed out the door to get a sandblaster with Papa. That's when the fun times began. He kind of flipped out because Papa went to the car. I think he thought Papa was taking him to the store without me because he started crying and came to me and let me hold him for a few minutes. I finally put him down to get my things together and showed him we're all going together. Then when we got back, Eli and I went for a long walk (almost an hour) where he threw a fit because I told him to stop turning the music on and off (he figured out how to flip the on/off switch to the play sounds on the stroller. Not really sure I should be making a big deal out of that, but it was really annoying to me to hear two seconds of a song play over and over and over again.) So he threw a fit, which I ignored. Then when we got home he hardly ate any lunch and I put him down for a nap.
The afternoon was much the same, sans me being gone for two hours. I was whipped! Maybe I'm saying no too much, maybe he's not feeling well, maybe he's sick, and maybe it's a combination of all of the above plus some I'm missing. I know he loves me because he wouldn't stop hugging and kissing me when I got home (even between tantrums). He'd play for a few minutes, then come and sit on my lap for a nanosecond. Then play, lap, play, lap. I found myself not being able to handle his being frustrated without getting frustrated, so I tried to calm myself by praying and reminding myself that he's only 3, and that's just his physical age not his mental age.
He's starting to play with his food while eating it. I would be fine with this except he tries to feed his food to me or Dave repeating over and over again "Momma, Papa." Like, "Here, this is for you...SIKE!" Most of the time the food ends up on the floor, which he immediately wants me to pick up and throw out so he can start preparing the next bite to torment us with. It gets old pretty fast, so I've got to figure out what I'm going to do. Although, when Dave and I pray before a meal, he very quietly folds his hands together and bows like we do while looking at us to make sure he doesn't miss the part where we start eating. It's adorable!
I don't feel like I'm as silly with him as I was in the beginning (as if it's even been that long!). But I've put some things in to place to help me with that. I'm going to take an hour each week to socialize without Eli. I'm an extrovert, so I really need that time with other people, and it's too hard to get that fix while he's around. I'm constantly watching him and correcting him and entertaining him. But Dave has very sweetly agreed that I need this time and is being very supportive. What a guy!
I'm having a lot of parental doubts right now. Am I pushing too fast? Do I expect too much from a 3 year old? Is he attaching? Is it too soon for a babysitter? Should we get in to some activities in the fall? Who does he think I am? What rules should I set in to place? What expectations should I have? Am I leaving him with Dave too soon? Why does he do so great one day and the next melt down? Is it something I did or didn't do, or is this normal behavior? Am I normal for having all these thougths?
The other thing I've been thinking about, and this may surprise you from the beginning of the post, is a sibling for Eli. I wonder sometimes if that will even happen, and if it does when? How? Crazy, huh? I'm not even settled in with one, and I'm thinking of the other children I'd like to have some day. Are we ever content with what God has given us? I need to chill because God has all this in His control and in His timing. What the heck is my problem? Fatigue, check. Stress, check. God time, no check. Ah, there it is. I need my God time! I've decided Eli's nap time is NOT going to be my cleaning time or my relaxing time or my eating the chocolate I so desperatly need to get through the day. It's going to be the time I get my God nutrition. My Holy fix. My Spirit food. My mind spritzer. You get the drift.