Breaking the Silence

I've been silent for a while.  Sometimes on purpose, and sometimes not on purpose.  This winter was a really rough winter of recognition and acceptance of me by me.

It all started last fall.  I know these fabulous women who get together monthly to play BUNCO.  I'm a sub on the list, so I get called occasionally to hang out with them.  If you know me at all, you know that two of my favorite things are games and socializing.  I found myself agreeing to go to these events, but not really enjoying them.  It was almost this conscious thought that I should go because I remember enjoying this once upon a time.  I remember coming home from one of these events early (I had slipped out unnoticed) and telling my husband that I wasn't sure I would go again.  I just couldn't understand why I wasn't having fun.

Rewind to last May.  My doctor happened to mention kind of out of the blue that I seemed a little stressed.  "You have a lot on your plate."  She said that she would be glad to give me a little help if I ever felt like I needed it.  "No," I thought.  "Me?  Need help for stress?  This is just a normal thing Mom's go through, right?"

So, here it is in the fall and I'm not enjoying things I always had in the past.  I began to wonder why I'd wanted kids.  Why was it that other moms really enjoyed their kids, and I was struggling so much to tolerate mine?  In fact, Amelia was struggling in school and we had just started counseling.  She has a diagnosis of ADD and Insecure Attachment (a form of RAD where she's indiscriminately affectionate to everyone.)  And then I noticed that I was having a hard time breathing.  I no longer slept through the night.

Stress.  Medicine.  Help.

After encouragement from my mom I called my doctor and got a prescription for Xanax.  I took it only when I needed it, and only a tiny dose (I cut the pill in half!).  But it was giving me crazy side affects like slurred speech and memory loss.  So I called the doctor, told her what was going on, and took her advice to get on a mild antidepressant.  After a week or so I noticed a huge difference in my attitude and demeanor.

As I look back, feeling once again "normal", I see how my attitude, patience, and enjoyment of others (including my kids) has improved.  I love hanging out with my kids, I sleep like a dad (haha!) and I've started enjoying my BUNCO gals again.

I'm so thankful for friends who talked me through this.  I remember telling one of my bosses (who had shared that she struggled with depression and took meds) that I had been prescribed Xanax.  I told her that I wasn't sure if this affected my employment at all.  She assured me that my employment wasn't in jeopardy and gently talked me through the struggles I was going through (the benefits of working for an amazing church).  Our bodies aren't meant to withstand the stress of living in a sin filled world.

This winter was a rough winter of acceptance.  I don't have an official diagnosis of depression, but I think I might be heading in that direction.  This doesn't make sense; much of my life doesn't make sense.  I'm always smiling, cheerful, and upbeat...or so people (and I) thought.  Deep down, I realize, I was hurting.

To Be Continued...