The Beginning of the End

First I have to tell you how much I've been enjoying my son.  He is at a really fun age where he's learning how to play games, and he's actually really good at taking turns with both me and Dave.  He's my little cuddle bug and my kiss attacker.  We've had our moments, for sure, but I'm just amazed at how much growth he's done already.  We are starting to talk about phonics and associate letters and sounds...he's on the fast track to reading!  I bet we'll have him reading by the end of preschool.  Now all I have to do is find a reading program to go through with him.  And did I mention he's in 4T pants!!  HUGE!  Of course he's now growing out of 5T shirts...

As I've been preparing for child #2, I've had some unexpected moments come up.  Over the Christmas break as I prepared to lug out the huge adoption binder and take out the checklist for our dossier, I just couldn't find the energy.  Every time I wandered to the basement, I would find something else to occupy my time.  Namely TV or cleaning, or forgetting what I went downstairs for and head right back upstairs.  And then, one day a thought occurred to me.  I don't want to do this.  What?  Who said that?!!

This thought stopped me in my tracks for a few days.  But I tried not to dwell on it, trudged through.  Until another thought hit me right between the eyes and caused a deep, penetrating sadness to come over me.  If I don't want to do this again, this will be the finishing of our family.  I realized this adoption will be it for us.  Not because my husband only wants two kids, but because I don't want to do this again...God changed my heart!  My heart that is now hurting once again...or did it ever stop.

I wouldn't say this adoption is more difficult.  The paperwork is the same, the expense is about the same, the God dependence is the same.  But my mental status is not the same!  With a child in tow everywhere I go, there's less patience, less time, less ability to have conversations and concentrate.  Really the paperwork is the easiest part (at least emotionally).  It's the What If's that are always a challenge.

And then it creeps up on me.  The "why" question.  Why, God?  Why does this have to be so hard for ME?  Why can't you allow us to have biological children and not have to leave the country or just be normal for once?  Why won't You allow me to have the large family I now want?  And why can't You change my husband's heart in this regard?  He's such a wonderful father!  And then comes the rash of pregnancy alerts.  And I am really happy for each friend and family member who is expecting their child.  Because I'd never want anyone to have to go through what I'm going through.  But it still hurts, and I'm guessing it always will.

And as I ponder these things in my heart (can you tell I've read the Christmas story a few times?) the Holy Spirit softly and gently asks me something I don't want to hear.  Do you want a large family because that's what God wants for you, or because you want what everyone else has?  Gulp.  I'm one of the obstinate one's we've been talking about in our Isaiah study.  Me?  Sigh.  Yep, me.  I hear, but I don't want to listen.  At least not yet.